Sunday, December 27, 2009

Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

We need to talk. I hate to sound ungrateful-we are all so happy you visited our house! (And believe you me, there was some doubt that the kids were going to pull it off this year.) But some of the gifts you left the kids were, how do I say this nicely, not completely thought out.

For instance, the harmonica you brought? Have you ever listened to a harmonica played by a nine-year old boy? Tunelessly for HOURS and HOURS on end? It is only two days after Christmas and I am already threatening to stick that thing where the sun don't shine.

And the Nerf swords? Seriously? THWAK THWAK THWAK OW! THWAK THWAK THWAK THWAK OW all the live-long day? Sometimes there is even harmonica accompaniment in the background. It is enough to drive a sane woman mad. (And Santa, you know that I passed sane a l-o-o-ong time ago. I am teetering on the edge here, sir!)

And the guns and bows and arrows! I think these were very irresponsible gifts. We have already had one trip to the ER this year... and between you and me, Santa, our insurance is good, but these little trips can get quite expensive!

And about the AMPLIFIER? For the electric guitar? What?! Did you not think that the guitar alone was loud enough? NOW THE WALLS SHAKE EVEN WHEN HIS DOOR IS CLOSED. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! There are no earplugs on earth thick enough to combat that particular noise, I mean "music". My diet coke vibrated right off the table the last time he played!

Thank you for your time, Santa. I know that yours is a very difficult job. However, I hope that since I have brought this to your attention, you will make more of an effort to provide our home with soft, quiet toys next year. Providing that a trip to our house is even in the cards. Let's be honest; with the addition of the above items to our household, I sincerely doubt that we will be hearing from you in 2010.

We hope you liked the cookies.

Christian, Coleman and Carolyn's mom


Kari said...

It sounds like Santa was very irresponsible this year. Possibly he is even a candidate for the naughty list himself.

KFuj said...

This letter is too funny!

Paula said...

I think Santa is definitely get a little "out there" with the gifts. He delivered 1 Black-eyed Peas concert tix to me, and 2 to Al....what WAS he thinking?

CPQ said...

If I hear, "Bakugan! Brawl!" one more time I'm going to wind up in a padded room.

Jane said...

Santa is so smart, he knows just how to drive the parents crazy

Queen B said...


When I was a kid, Santa brought my brother a Rambo gun. It made a repetitive-machine-gun sound that drove me batty. I hid the gun in the piano bench, where it stayed for yearssssssssss to come (lots of piano playing going on in our house, obviously)

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